An Insight Into Loss And Loneliness

Being lonely is a strange thing. Some people feel it when they lose someone, others when they lose something. No matter what each of these are hard, but neither more than the other. Loneliness can be a seriously powerful influence in our lives. For me it began with losing people.

It’s weird, one of my first memories is loss. Being sat at my Granda’s funeral. Everyone around me was crying. I specifically remember being sat next to my cousin, tears rolling down her face and not really understanding. I was very young at the time and genuinely didn’t see why everyone was so upset. The mind of a young child right? Naive to the trouble all around him.

For my Nana, I think it was religion and God that got her through it, and whether you believe or not, that’s a pretty beautiful thought. Pure belief giving you the strength to smile. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your perspective) some of us are more logical (or cynical) and cannot rely on an ideal as insubstantial as this.

My Dad is more like this, despite his upbringing, and for him I think it was his family that gave him the support. His Mothers strength and my Mum’s support and the fact he had to be strong for me and my sister.

But what if you don’t have family or belief, or what if that family is too distant physically or emotionally to truly help. What happens if you experience a death, falling out with close friends, or probably sharpest of all the loss or betrayal of a love. In any of these situations the people are most likely one of your closest friends (family and loves included) and the very fact you’ve lost that can change your whole perspective of the world. Suddenly lost you can lose all faith in what you know and feel, even if you’re surrounded by people you care for.

From what I’ve seen there are two general reactions we tend to lean towards (obviously in very different ways). Firstly some of us will find someone or something new and latch on. In different extremities, whether thats to fall quickly in love with someone, or go out on a run of one night stands, or to eat or take intoxicant’s to take our minds away from the thing that hurt us. Each of these is a way to overcome (and sometimes over compensate) for a loss that we cannot comprehend on an emotional level. I mean honestly, it’s not an easy thing to do, and is there really any surprise people turn to easy ways to make up for that sudden hole in their life. For me this is probably the least health of the two reaction, to suddenly force new things on yourself, things that you as your true self would probably consider a pretty weak way of dealing with a bad turn. This is not to say I would ever look down on someone doing these exact things, I’ve been there myself at multiple stages of my life, it’s easy, and it works… for a short time. But when you come rond and look back at yourself and what you did to cover up the real issue it means you have to start again, build yourself back to where you were. It’s a huge step back sometimes, and the last thing any of us should want to do is step back in our life.

The second is when people cut themselves off from the world. The loss, whatever it is, causes a reaction that means we build a sudden defence and block out any potential other negativity in our lives. Now if you still have people around you who do care this is a lot harder to pull off,  as in my opinion, a good friend never sits back as someone important to them is suffering. Even if that person tells you to go f*&k yourself, you stand strong and show them not everyone is like that, and that no matter what there is someone who can be relied on in this world (thats a fucking important thing to show people every day, let alone when someone is in need, you never know the affect it may have). When cut ourselves off we sometimes believe it is because we are strong enough to handle whatever has come our way, and you know what we are. BUT, and its a big but, by cutting yourself off from the world you have around you, however you do that, you really aren’t dealing with the situation, so all your strength is completely misplaced. When we believe we are dealing, really we’re just dodging the real feelings we have and not coming to terms with the fact we’ve lost. Instead of getting on with what we have and once again  finding something new thats just as worthwhile as the thing we thought was important, we’re shutting off the chance to progress in our lives and find something truly pure in the world. Something nothing will take away and something no one has any right to criticise. When you put up walls, you don’t support yourself, you don’t deal and you don’t become a better and stronger version of yourself.

But please if you read this, don’t take what I say as if I feel it is completely fool proof or as if I believe it’s gospel in some way (that’d be a little short minded to say the least). The fact is you know yourself better than anyone, and you know what makes you really feel good about being you. Whether thats a career, hobby or another person. But that’s my point, by dealing with loneliness you don’t need to, and should never go down either of the paths I’ve briefly highlighted (very briefly as this subject really is huge). Be who you are, don’t change in spite of how you feel, change because your life has changed. We are a product of our experience, and it’s down to us to choose how those experiences affect our perception, if at all. What you knew before, you still know now, even if one thing didn’t turn out to be as you thought. Live life the same way you did (hopefully), openly and honestly. Take every chance that comes your way, and make the most of every moment, because every thing we ever experience makes us who we are, so how can they ever be considered a bad thing or bad influence unless we allowed them to be. Love life, experience everything that comes your way, and make the most of every one.